What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 09:20
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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She was in good health!
Who then, do I blame.?
Put me off passion for life!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ive learnt so much.
I will be 64.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
What did i know ?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
All the time i was locked up.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I think the readers, may guess!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My life is so biszare .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i lived it daily.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She married twice! .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But ive been too sick for many years..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But, we were locked up after school.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i do to all so called friends.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I have no regrets .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She found it foreign!.
But it wasn’t much.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
When she asked me how she looked .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My family never makes their pension either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I waited trembling.
Would this be the day?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot live in the past .
Especially a lifetime of it.
So, i spoilt her more .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is soul school!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was scared of men, in general
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was very sick at this time too.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She wouldn,t have been !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She loved him until the end.
We were not on the streets..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im still living with it.
We all went to grammer schools
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So whats the point in blame.
I was 9 years of age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He knew the spot.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I said to her
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I write beautiful poetry .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Where the ultimate outsiders.